The Girl Who Tried to Use Stamps as Currency

Dear Stagecoach,
I once heard that stamps could be used as legal tender. This was around the time that I heard one could go to the Bank of England and demand ingots of gold in return for banknotes, which is sadly something I have never got round to doing. Have you?
Last week, I spent too much money, and have found that this week I cannot afford to purchase a Megarider or DayTripper ticket. I prefer a DayTripper, as it allows me to travel beyond the orange zone into the blue zone, which includes Pebsham tip. If I don't have enough money, or if the weather is too unpleasant, I do not allow myself the luxury of a weekly visit to Pebsham tip, and indeed tend to stick to the 99 'Wave' bus, which takes me past the fire station on Bohemia Road, stopping outside Lidl. This is where I ran into trouble. I usually spend £2.97 in Lidl. This gets me tomatoes, pitta bread, Jaffa cakes and a bottle of toilet cleaner. I seem to get through a lot of toilet cleaner; I suspect Lidl's own is not as effective as a brand such as Toilet Duck, and indeed a 'false economy'.
On Tuesday of last week, I noticed that Lidl were stocking a fine range of 'incidentals' in the middle aisle. I am ashamed to say that I succumbed to temptation. I returned with far more than my usual purchases; I also had a fan, a circular saw, and one of those metal things with suction pads on which you can place all your toiletries and flannels within easy reach whilst in the shower. I don't know why I am still crying about this, but it caused an almighty row with my (now ex) partner, who told me it was useless and pointless and asked how on earth it would hold the weight of all the 'lotions and potions' I insist on using on a daily basis, which serve simply to render my skin red raw and my hair like a birds' nest. In all fairness to him, I shouldn't have gone at him with the circular saw, and he WAS right: it certainly wasn't strong enough to hold my industrial-sized bottle of TRESemme.
Last week also happened to be the birthday of a family member, along with an occasion on which I needed to send a thank-you card. Since you ask, the thank-you card was to thank Lidl for cleaning up my spillage with so little fuss. So, I stamped my cards and posted them, before realising that there were four stamps left in the book. This made me ponder.
My Megarider expired on Monday, and I have no means to get back up to Lidl to return the circular saw (I cleaned the blood and screams off it), suction thing, fan and tomatoes. The fan, may I say, has turned out to be a godsend during the last few weeks of hot weather. It only seems to blow the electrics if I use whilst in the bath, but, in its defence, I do splash a bit.
Stamps are quite expensive now, apparently sixty pence for a first class, and a little less for a second class. Why people can't just be satisfied with an eCard, I have no idea, and I suspect this is an issue I will have to bring up over Christmas dinner, although I loathe to do so at that time of year. Last year I asked Uncle Doug if, this year, he would be happy with a handwritten poem rather than the usual Old Spice gift set. I will not repeat his reply, nor will I regale you with the tale of the painful placement of the turkey leg. He was, suffice to say, livid.
So, I have four stamps left. Four times sixty is twenty-four. Twenty-four pounds will buy me two and a bit Megarider tickets. I do hope you will not think me bold for offering stamps as currency on the 99 'Wave' bus, but I do so need to pop to Lidl.
Kind regards,
The Girl Who Does

The Girl Who Does Collections

Following my proposal to Hastings Borough Council regarding the regeneration of Hastings' Pier, which, incidentally, they have not replied to (I can only assume this is because they are still researching as to whether lions or bears are the animals which do/don't eat you when you stare them in the eye - I do hope that nobody has been mauled or injured in any way during this research task), I have been patiently waiting for the shortbread tins which will render the pier fireproof and avoid another occurrence of massive scary fire and unprecedented levels of local distress. Today, I received a tweet from @candyflippa. She has kindly kicked off the collection with a rather fetching traditionally styled Scottish shortbread barrel. I am hoping the lid could be used for decorative effect on top of one of the turrets in which I plan to keep the lions/bears. I have acquired several useful items myself, mostly from my own cupboards. Oh, what treasures cupboards hold! A Marks and Spencer tin depicting snowmen and children killing each other (some of the scenes have faded, so I am unsure as to whether this description is wholly accurate); a tobacco tin depicting blackened lungs and death (not strictly shortbread, but I shall cover it with tartan paper); a roll of bright blue electrical tape, the outside of which is covered in biscuit crumbs; a padlock for which I cannot recall the combination, but will be useful for the tin gates at the entrance to the pier; and a misshapen fork. So, friends, anything you feel will be useful to get this gig rolling will be gratefully received. 

Outstanding. 

The Girl Who Offered to Fix Hastings' Pier

Dear Regeneration at Hastings dot gov,
I have a quite brilliant view of the pier from here, and have recently taken it upon myself to keep abreast of its happenings. I haven't yet seen any work commence, or men in hi-vis jackets, but my mother assures me this is to happen quite soon. She is usually right about these things; I refer you to the time she told me that Eastenders' Tanya and Max were to have a rather large fight and split up. She was right. She was also right when she told me it would take hours to paint a kitchen using a pastry brush, and perhaps my time would be better spent walking to the nearest DIY shop to purchase an actual paintbrush. As you well know, the nearest DIY shop to my flat at the time was in fact B&Q in Ore. A bit of a trek even for a healthy person such as myself.
I feel I have digressed. I have a vision. I also have a balcony, on which I can state I have a vision and passers-by look up in awe and expectation. I have not yet let them down. As work has not yet commenced on the aforementioned pier, I would appreciate it if you could consider my vision. I have my own hammer, spirit level and screwdriver, but I am not sure whether these would suffice for such a large job, and I would probably have to sub-contract, particularly for the structural work.
Entertainment-wise, I was wondering if you had considered lions? Lions, although dangerous, could be a fabulous tourist attraction, and we could perhaps offer rides from the pier to the beach. I heard somewhere that a lion won't eat you unless you look it in the eye. Or that might have been a bear. This probably needs a little more research; if you could find out whether it is lions or bears that are safe as long as you don't look them in the eye, we could make sure we use the correct animal. Don't feel sad; the public would travel to see bears too, as although it is frowned upon to ride one they look fantastic when standing on their hind legs swiping at thin air.
So, my vision begins with the structural development of the pier. I noticed when fixing a chair the other day that there is strength in duct tape. The pier struts needs to be strong and, dare I say it, fireproof. It was a sad day when the pier caught fire; some people said it was their Diana moment. These are the people who will most welcome the regeneration and rebuilding of the pier. These people are our target market. I suggest you set up a Facebook page.
Moving on from marketing. As you know, my parents used to keep their important documents in a Scottish shortbread tin in case the house caught fire. Now, I am no fool - I do not expect the entire pier to be made from Scottish shortbread tins, but it would not hurt to source a few in advance. I suggest this should be your next task, after completing your lion/bear research.
To recap thus far:
Lion/bear research
Source approximately 1500 Scottish shortbread tins
Duct-tape pier struts (I used 'duct-tape' as a doing word, which doesn't sit well with me. Please overlook this.)
Once the struts are supportive, we should think about importing the animals so they get used to their new home before the visitors begin to flood in. Although I have never imported an animal, I did make a poorly pigeon feel happy the other day. The way I did this was by ensuring he felt as if he belonged. This is key. A keyword. A watch-word, if you like. Belong.
So:
Lion/bear research
Source tins
Duct-tape
Import lions and bears.
I would be willing to train all the lions/bears to be tolerant of human weight, as I suspect people will climb on them even if told not to. I am bringing my pigeon-training to the party, and I have also hand-reared two children. My weight is approximately that of the average man, despite being a woman. This is because I am still carrying a little Christmas weight, which I am finding hard to shift. I think my metabolism has slowed down, what do you think? As I am sure you have noticed (but been too polite to mention), my hips are heavier now than they have ever been. I find this has changed the way I feel about myself.
I will leave it there, as there is not a huge amount I can do until you have imported the bears/lions. Please let me know when I can get cracking with the sub-contracting.
A pleasure doing business, as always.
Kind regards,
The Girl Who Does.