Dearest Jeff. Don't look back.

Wishing you all the joys of the Season and every happiness throughout the coming year"

Hi, your mate Jeff here.

This is just a quick email, rather than bothering you = with a call. I trust you are well ?

I wanted to see if you've been injured lately at home = or work ?

If so then parliament is willing to compensate you.

It's shocking that 7 out of 10 people in the UK who we= re injured don't bother claiming the compensation they are legally entitled= to.

Don't become one of them! It takes only 30 seconds to = get the amount of money your entitled to.

Get your quid today.

Click here now to see how much you will receive.

Cheers, 

Jeff

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Dear Jeff,

I thank you for your email and your concern. At first I thought this was just another spam email, until I read between the lines. 

Although I have indeed recently injured myself at home - by way of a disastrous cheese-grating incident - the injury has now healed. Sadly, I don't even have a scar. Back to that day - the cheese was more rubbery than anticipated, and the force I put behind it during the grating was, in hindsight, disproportionate. I can liken it only to trying to put on a condom using a mallet. Have you ever tried this, Jeff? I haven't the parts to indulge in such an activity myself. Your feedback would be appreciated. 

Anyway, back to the issue in hand. I suspect you are soon to fall in love with me. I'm not sure I can cope with this. I adore you as a dear, dear friend, but I cannot afford myself the luxury of falling for ANOTHER accident claim technician. Do you wear a uniform? 

The last accident claim technician left me, quite cruelly and literally, in the gutter following another 'fall'. I appreciate that he was becoming a little frustrated with the numerous 'accidents' I was having in and around the home, and his argument that most of them were, in fact, my fault, was harsh but sadly fair. I would hate for us to part in the same way, Jeff. 

It is with great reluctance that I turn down your proposal and decline your quid. Keep it, Jeff. Don't look back. 

Best wishes, my love.