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Saturday 31 August 2013

The Girl Who Purchased the Wrong Type of Coffee






Imagine the situation.
Online shopping.
Ground coffee.
Shopping delivered.
Coffee beans.
But that's ok, right? I have a grinder.

Follow the instructions and you too can have freshly ground coffee.

Equipment required:
Coffee beans
Mechanical grinder
Potato masher
Calculator
Pestle and mortar
Hand-held blender
Smoothie maker
Hammer
Pliers
Food processor
Another mechanical grinder
Savlon
Electrical tape

1/ Purchase wrong type of coffee, as outlined above.
2/ Think to self, "That is ok, for I have a mechanical coffee grinder. Today is a good day."
3/ Place twenty-three coffee beans in the top of the mechanical coffee grinder. Move the handle round in a circular motion for three hours and forty-seven minutes.
4/ Open drawer underneath mechanical coffee grinder to view contents. Feel utterly dejected, hopeless and dismayed at the contents.
5/ Empty contents of drawer into scoop used for measuring coffee.
6/ Stare at scoop.
7/ If half a scoop of coffee (x) takes three hours and forty-seven minutes in time (y) to produce, calculate how long it will take to produce the required four scoops of coffee. X multiplied by (y x 8) = 1816.
8/ You will be unable to work out how to convert this into hours and minutes. Type BOOBIES on calculator. Do a lol.
9/ Consider your next option. Your next option is gadgetry. Look for gadgetry.
10/ Line up the following items: hand-held blender, smoothie maker, food processor.
11/ Add remaining coffee beans to bowl. Using hand-held blender, blend with gusto. Coffee beans will hit your face, lodge in your eyes and somehow find their way into your pants. This is a nice feeling. Wiggle while you work.
12/ After one minute and thirteen seconds you will stare at the coffee beans. This is ok. The previously intact coffee beans are now slightly chipped coffee beans. You will realise you would have been better off hitting them with a hammer.
13/ Hit the coffee beans with a hammer.
14/ Clear up broken glass. Strap broken fingers with electrical tape.
15/ Study a coffee bean. At this point, it will look like this.




16/ Add coffee beans to smoothie maker.
17/ Try to smooth coffee beans. Note that whilst blade is whirring satisfactorily, coffee beans are sitting in the well underneath the blade. You will feel like the coffee beans are laughing at you. They are not.
18/ Empty the laughing coffee beans into the food processor. Clap your hands in glee upon realisation that the food processor was designed to make big stuff smaller. You will feel smug. Process the coffee beans.
19/ Empty the julienned coffee beans into the cafetiere. Add hot water. Leave for two minutes. Pour resulting liquid into a mug. Add sugar. Drink sugar-flavoured water.
20/ Grab another handful of coffee beans. Holding one coffee bean in your left hand, use your right hand to squeeze firmly with pliers.




21/ Use a similar equation to the one in Step 7. The result is 349,681.38. Calculate that this is perhaps approximately maybe just a little less than a year.
22/ Add another handful of whole coffee beans to the bit of the pestle and mortar which looks like a bowl. Using Google, find out which part is the pestle and which part is the mortar. Immediately forget. Using the other part of the pestle and mortar, pound the beans into what will again look like exactly like a slightly chipped coffee bean, as in step 12.
23/ Hit the coffee beans with a hammer.
24/ Discard broken bowl bit of pestle and mortar. Add splint to strapped fingers.
25/ Add a handful of whole coffee beans to a plastic bowl. You will feel stupid, but you are not stupid.
26/ Mash with potato masher.
27/ Stare at slightly chipped coffee beans, as in steps 12 and 22.
28/ Hit the slightly chipped coffee beans with a hammer.
29/ Add Savlon to open wound.
30/ On the bank holiday Monday, go to a boot sale.
31/ Note a seller with a mechanical coffee grinder, which is slightly larger than yours. Ask seller if mechanical coffee grinder is effective. Believe him when he says it works. Forget to barter, pay seller two English pounds in exchange for a mechanical coffee grinder which is slightly larger than yours.
32/ Return home. Phone entire family and invite them for coffee. Do not mention you are setting up bean-grinding factory.
33/ Set up a bean-grinding factory. Work shifts around the clock.
33/ After four days of twelve hour shifts, stare at perfectly ground, perfectly beautiful, perfectly wonderful coffee.
34/ Make coffee for your entire family. You have now used all the beans. Get the second bag of coffee beans out of the cupboard. Return to step 32.

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