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Sunday 30 June 2013

The Girl Who Fixed a BT YouView Box

Before I begin, please make sure that you have to hand the following tools:

A BT YouView box (this may also work with a Talk Talk YouView box, or a non-affiliated YouView box, however, I would not like to ruin your life, so please proceed with caution)

A working tellybox, with HDMI and SCART connections

A telephone

A plugged in, switched on, and connected modem

A pint of beer

A globe

A Tunnock's caramel wafer

Various leads which, at a push, fit in various holes

Patience

An engineer

A bread knife.

Let us begin.

1/ Glance at YouView user guide. Realise you do not need YouView user guide. Set about surveying existing televisual set-up. It will transpire that everything is on the wrong side of the room. This is normal; do not be cross. Take this opportunity to point and laugh at existing hard-drive recorder, paying extra attention to its crappy little buttons. Put it to one side; you will need it later. 




Existing hard-drive recorder with its crappy little buttons



2/ Untangle wire. Unplug phone. Untangle wire. Unplug television. Untangle wire. Unplug SCART lead from back of television and existing hard-drive recorder with its crappy little buttons. Place SCART lead to one side. Unplug the dangling HDMI cable which you plugged in when you wanted to watch Eastenders on iPlayer on your laptop but gave up because there was no sound.. PutHDMI cable to one side. You will need seven empty plug holes. Count empty plug holes. You have three. Unplug phone charger. Untangle wire. Unplug phone charging mat. Untangle wire. Unplug laptop, printer, Wii, shredder, spare phone charger, other phone charger and electronic cigarette charger. Untangle all wires. Put all equipment in a basket.



Putting all equipment in a basket

3/ WARNING: ADULT SUPERVISION REQUIRED. 

Plug modem in AS CLOSE TO THE TELLYBOX AS POSSIBLE. It looks nice on that shelf. Careful when you stand up; you will hit your head.

The modem looks nice on that shelf


4/ Have a pint of beer. Unwind telephone extension lead. Plug telephone extension lead into the holes in which it fits best. These are probably the right holes. Plug the telephone doofer into the extension wire. Pick up the telephone, listen for dialling tone, say, 'Hello?' Unwind extension lead around the back of the sewing machine, under the sofa, around the base of the lamp, out the door, down the stairs, through the legs of the man from Flat 4, under the carpet, up the stairs, round the lightbulb, through the door, across the floor, past the fireplace, on to the mantelpiece, off the mantelpiece, behind a picture, over the radiator, and into the back of the modem.


Telephone extension lead in front of fireplace



5/ Look at hole in back of tellybox cabinet in which previous hard-drive recorder with crappy buttons' wire was fed. Realise this hole is not big enough for the unpluggable YouView power cable. Make hole slightly larger using back and forth sawing motion with bread knife. Put YouView box on shelf next to modem. Holding box steady with two fingers, use other two fingers and thumb to feed plug through new hole. Adopt yogic squatting position and reach other arm over the tellybox to back of cabinet, widening fingers expectantly. Grasp wildly using hand at back of cabinet, whilst thrusting plug blindly and furiously through hole. Grab plug and plug into extension lead at back of cabinet. Push box fully onto shelf, knocking modem on to floor. Plug all wires back into modem. Place modem back on shelf. Plug ethernet cable from modem into back of YouView box. Watch light flashing at back of YouView box with pride. 


Widen hole using bread knife

6/ Place HDMI cable on cabinet. Watch it curl into a frightened ball. Stare at HDMI cable. It has no instructions. Take it upon yourself to plug HDMI cable into back of tellybox and back of YouView box.
HDMI cable curled up on cabinet

7/ Check that all plugs are plugged in and all cables are plugged in. Look down back of tellybox cabinet to assure self of same. Alarmingly, there will be twenty-seven useful wires. This is normal.



Twenty-seven useful wires
 8/ Switch everything on. Wait. Press buttons on shiny remote when prompted. Enter postcode. Excitedly navigate menu. Watch programme you missed last Tuesday on integrated 4OD channel.

Shiny remote with buttons

 9/ Halfway through programme, the sound will disappear. Change channel. The sound will reappear. Then the sound will disappear. Change channel, the sound will appear. The sound will then disappear. Repeat this process using all one hundred and thirty-one channels. Reset box. Retune box. Factory-reset box. Retune box. Factory-reset box. Check all connections. Change all settings. Reset modem. Lift telephone up and put it back down again. Unplug all plugs. Untangle wires. Plug all plugs back in. Move YouView box. Move it back. Remove HDMI cable, plug in SCART lead.
Plugged in SCART lead

10/ Repeat step 9 with SCART in situ. When you get to the last point of step 9, unplug SCART and plug HDMI cable back in. Repeat step 9 again. Google YouView forums. Do all suggested things on YouView forum. Pick up telephone.
Pick up telephone



11/ Phone BT YouView support. Explain situation. Listen carefully whilst kind man tells you that it is unacceptable that a box should behave this way in front of a customer. Kind man will talk you through steps 1-9. Repeat them even though you have done them before. Kind man wants you to. Do as kind man says. Wait. When kind man asks if you want an engineer, say yes. Hang up, plug in old hard-drive recorder with its crappy little buttons. Wait 18 hours. Let in engineer. Allow him to remove existing YouView box and furnish you with another. Thank him. Sit down. Eat a Tunnock's caramel wafer.

Eat a Tunnock's caramel wafer







Sunday 23 June 2013

The Girl Who Fixes Things

I like to use clocks as hammers. There, I said it. And vacuum cleaners. And shoes. And anything hard enough to bang in a nail without me having to go to the breadbin-that-is-now-a-toolbox to retrieve The Actual Pink Hammer.

Today is different; today I used The Actual Pink Hammer. One of the balcony chairs was dying, you see. The cheap, plastic covering was flapping in the breeze, and last night, when I sat on it, I got soggy leggings. Something had to be done. I leaped from my bed this morning, knowing that today was the day. The chair would be fixed. My chair-fixing was so successful that I felt it would be a disservice not to share my method with you. I took photos for ease of understanding.

Firstly, you will need the following tools:

Duct tape
Electrical tape
Wine
Parcel tape
Hammer
Tunnock's Caramel Wafer
Spirit level

(The above photo was taken by an actual photographer. Sadly, he got bored and wandered off. I took the rest myself.)

Here is a 'before' picture of the broken chair, please note the protruding spongy bit and saggy bottom:
Bird's eye view

Wonky view of underbelly
 It is absolutely IMPERATIVE that you do not listen to anyone's suggestions regarding the best way to fix a chair. THIS is the best way to fix a chair. First, stare at the duct tape and electrical tape. Decide which roll is the strongest, and select the duct tape. Starting from the left-hand side of the broken chair, begin to wind the duct tape over the seat, under the seat, over the seat, under the seat. Aesthetics are unimportant at this stage. This is essentially your 'base'. You may like to wind the duct tape horizontally across and under the chair seat. Don't. Do exactly as I say.
Winding the tape
 Next, have a look at the bottle of wine. Is it too early for wine? You must decide. Despite what I said earlier, there are no rules at this stage of chair repair.
Wine on chair
 Just before you finish winding the duct tape over and under and over and under the seat (vertically, remember), you will run out of tape. This is normal. Listen and listen good.
Running out of tape
This is when you use the parcel tape. The chair is still a chair, not a parcel, so treat it as such. WARNING: don't sit on the chair yet; it is still broken. Wind the parcel tape over and under and over and under the seat, filling in the gaps left by the run-out duct tape.
Utilising parcel tape
 Repeat the parcel tape steps on the opposite length of the chair. This serves no purpose other than the smug achievement of a sense of symmetry.

Marginally symmetrical stage
 Next, we must make the chair seat look like a chair seat. We achieve this using the black electrical tape. Place strips of black electrical tape horizontally across the chair seat. Place, stick, cut. Place, stick, cut.
Adding black electrical tape
 Continue in this vein.
Continuing in this vein
 When you have covered half the seat with horizontal strips of black electrical tape, place the spirit level on the chair seat. In this instance, the spirit bubble is within the Lines of Levelness. If the spirit bubble is off-centre, do not worry;  it probably means your floor is wonky. Ignore the spirit level. Remove the spirit level from the chair seat. Do NOT throw the spirit level.
Checking the seat is level
 Using the hammer, firmly tap the seat.
Firmly tapping the seat
 Keep placing, sticking and cutting the black electrical tape. When you reach the knobbly 'fixings' at the side of the chair, stick the black electrical tape on the top of them. Shortly after this, you will run out of black electrical tape.
Running out of black electrical tape
 Survey your remaining reels of electrical tape. Pick your next favourite colour. Your next favourite colour is red.
Choosing your next favourite colour
 As with the black electrical tape, place, stick and cut the red electrical tape in horizontal strips. WARNING: Leave a gap in the middle of the red horizontal strips to achieve a sense of 'pattern'. Smooth out unexpected bubbles by tapping firmly with a hammer.
Achieving a sense of pattern. Unexpected bubbles.
 When your pattern has been achieved and your bubbles smoothed, your chair seat should look exactly like this.
How your chair seat should look
 Choose your next favourite colour of electrical tape. Mine is navy blue. Yours is too.
Your next favourite colour of electrical tape is navy blue
 Fill in the gaps between the red electrical tape stripes with navy blue electrical tape stripes. You should achieve something exactly like this.
This is what you should achieve

Slightly different angle
 The underside of the chair is strengthened by the parcel tape and duct tape. It is now safe for you to offer this chair to visitors.
Strengthened underside of chair
 Eat the Tunnock's Caramel Wafer.
Tunnock's Caramel Wafer wrapper
You are done. You may now sit down. On the floor is safest.

Thursday 20 June 2013

Tooth Fairies, Easter Bunnies and the Cheque's in the Post

Late yesterday evening, I found myself having a discussion with an eleven-year-old girl about the tooth fairy. She still 'believes'. I didn't know this. So, the tooth fairy had put a quid in an envelope made by the eleven-year-old, which she had left on the coffee table. At twenty-two hundred hours, the eleven-year-old had run, panicked, into the lounge to retrieve the envelope. It was meant to go under her pillow, you see. She was very disappointed when she saw that the coin was already in the envelope, as surely this meant that the tooth fairy does not exist?

*drum roll*

I exchanged glances with the other adult. He looked away, then sat very very still, so nobody would notice that he was there. Silence ensued. She is ELEVEN, and surely far too old to be BELIEVING? And, besides, she had asked. If she asks a sensible question, she should get a sensible answer, right? So, what did I do? I said the following:

"It is of course possible, my darling, that the tooth fairy came whilst I was having a cigarette on the balcony. Or...erm...we could talk about it tomorrow?"

I looked at the other adult. He was trying not to laugh. The eleven-year-old was standing behind the sofa, unable to see the cruel mirth. A laugh filled my mouth and I was overcome with a comedy guilt. We lie, us adults. We lie, then we feel awful when the cruel truth has to be exposed. The eleven-year-old goes up to secondary school in September. Is it wrong to allow her to still believe in these myths we weave?

The Easter Bunny is another one. I have not taught her to believe in the Easter Bunny; she just DOES. And I did not know that she did on the day I told her the 'Easter Bunny would not be upset I have to work as he doesn't exist'. She cried, and so I backtracked. "Of course, when I say 'does not exist', I simply mean I haven't seen any evidence of his existence." Much like Santa, unicorns and dragons. And God. And, you know, she believes in them all. Every single one. She states she has empirical evidence that dragons exist, unicorns have been spotted in woodland somewhere in America, I believe, and Santa, well, he just IS.

I don't remember the day I stopped believing in Santa. I don't know if I ever believed in the tooth fairy or Easter Bunny. None of this has traumatised me, nor has it traumatised anyone I have since discussed it with. That, in itself, is a little magical.

I conclude that when she asks, she WANTS to continue believing in them. She wants me to show her photos of them laying treats and presents and money around the house. And when she skipped into my room this morning, clutching the extra Guilt Money that had been put in the envelope, she didn't mention her doubts. Maybe she is pulling a fast one. A non-existent tooth fairy would not leave a quid for a tiny, manky tooth; a non-existent Santa wouldn't make as much effort on Christmas Eve; and a non-existent Easter Bunny may well forget the baskets, cakes and extra chocolate, and just hand over an egg from Poundland with a grunt. Maybe that's what her motive is.

And for that, I feel she is cleverer than me.

Wednesday 19 June 2013

Shiny Solutions to Everyday Problems

I have a list of things I feel need to be solved, made easier or abolished. Betterware (www.betterware.co.uk) occasionally helps me with the former two, by labelling some of their handier items with a ‘Betterware Solution’ star; sometimes you don’t realise you have a problem until you see that it can be fixed, right? For example, who knew that cleaning behind radiators was a problem, until a cleaning-behind-radiators duster was invented? Who knew that it could be EASIER and PRETTIER to carry around a magnifying glass, before Kleeneze invented the Owl Magnifying Glass necklace http://www.kleenezeshop.com/products/1370-owl-magnifying-pendant.aspx?

“Darling, for my birthday I would like a necklace, but I am afraid it will mean I can no longer carry around my magnifying glass in my handbag. Too heavy. Too too heavy. I really don’t know what to do.”

“Don’t worry. With this new 2-in-1 magnifying owl necklace, you can carry around a magnifying glass AND a necklace, without weighing yourself down too much. Whilst we are on the subject, your face looks a little saggy these days. How about we get you one of those exercisers that look like Jocelyn Wildenstein’s lips?”

Yes, this is true. Made up it is not. So if you need ‘more youthful, vibrant faces’ and are fed up with improvising with a toilet seat, have a look for yourself:




“Fight wrinkles around your eyes and help shape the overall look of your face, whether in front of the mirror, in the bath or at any other convenient time every day. The movements are given extra load by the mold, forcing everything to work a bit harder and resulting in more youthful, vibrant faces.”


Yep.


Me too.

Tuesday 18 June 2013

As a new Girl Who Does, I have decided to do everything. This has resulted in the following:

A missing GUID*
A wonky picture.

*Presumably this is something to do with something important to do with this page. So, if I type this post, my GUID will appear, right?